things i say to my cat

I have had a cat of my own for the past year and a half or so. Since becoming a parent of a lovely, spastic and adorably cute furry creature, I have noticed a marked change in my vocabulary. Never before have I heard myself sounding so much like I was talking to a small child as when I began to take care of my cat. In an effort to document (for posterity and ultimately for humour) some of this vocabulary, I have decided to start an ever-evolving list of things that I have found myself saying to my cat. I hope to update this page regularly as more strange and wonderful phrases leave my lips.

the things i have said

• "That's not for kitties." - this catch-all phrase is used when the cat is getting into various kinds of trouble
• "You're my favorite kitty and I love you very much!" - my cat shows so much affection and needs to know how special he is
• "Hey, get down from there!" - the kitchen counter is not a place for kitties
• "It's not food time." - he thinks he can trick me into thinking that he hasn't eaten yet.... but I know the real truth
• "You don't want what's in there." - generally the act of anything being "deposited" into the toilet attracts attention from the kitty
• "You're a very nice kitty, yes you are!" - more affectionate talk for a well-deserving creature
• "You're so nice!" - he has just rubbed his forehead against mine... we're friends for life
• "I fed you already! You'll have to wait for dinner time." - the meowing is very loud when the food bowl is within my sight
• "Awwwwww.... boodee DOO dee DOO doo doo doo!" - this is generally referred to as "scat for the cat", and follows traditional jazz styling
• "Where did you put your collar? You look more handsome with it on, you know?" - the kitty needs a tag in case it gets outside and ends up lost - but they're more fun to chew on and hide under beds