the role of a parent in music study
I have been a musician and music student all my life. Those titles really are one in the same, as anyone who loves playing or singing will tell you. When I was three I started learning the violin, which I still play and enjoy to this day. And singing was just something natural for me, and an art which I studied seriously in university. I also enjoy playing the piano, and although I can jam and keep up with just about any popular song, I'm really not very technically advanced. The keyboard is a natural instrument for composers, and as someone who enjoys writing music with computers and synthesizers, more skill on the keyboard means more facilities for making new music. And that's why I spend time on a regular basis playing scales and exercises.
In my quest for continued improvement in my music skills, I've started thinking more about practicing. After attending music school I took a break from all the crazy schedules of rehearsals and playing and practicing. And now that I am back into it as an adult, I have a much different outlook on what it all means. As a child, practicing was something that I loathed. I would be instructed to play a specific passage 100 times, and I would want nothing more than to go and do something else. Unfortunately for most children this causes them to think of music practice as a chore, and something that is unpleasant. The fortunate few who get good enough to start reaping the benefits of their talent by performing at a high level and feeling good about it are the ones that beat the system, so to speak. The rest go on to other things, and although they might have a better lifelong appreciation for music, most of them won't again experience the incredible unexplainable feeling of joy that comes with making music yourself.
The idea of good practice techniques and good parenting skills for children who study music is something that I've been thinking about my whole life. As a child I was a Suzuki violin student, and as is typical in that course of study, playing in groups was very common. The students of my teacher and her husband would meet at a church one night every week or two. Students would be divided into groups based on their skill level, and everyone would play songs together and take turns playing for each other. Parents, of course, would often be in attendance. As I got older my mom would often leave me there by myself, as I enjoyed the independence. What became obvious, however, was that different parenting styles dramatically affected the success of each child. Children with ruthless parents and high discipline would excel the fastest in terms of technique and mastery of the pieces. Children with parents who were more laid back wouldn't excel as fast, but would enjoy playing more. But the biggest telling factor was the fact that most of the children I knew who were pushed really hard stopped playing completely during high school. The pressure was just too great, and when rebellion kicked in, some of the stars who could have been considered child prodigies completely quit music all together.
Parents play an important role in the musical life of a child. But being a good parent for a young musician is hard. A delicate balance must exist between encouragement and empowerment. This is a balance that very few parents seem to master. A child just starting to learn about music needs encouragement, because he or she might be too young to really understand what it is about. But music should be fun, so it is vitally important that parents make a game out of it from the very first moment. Because after all, what are most children going to do if they're not playing violin or piano? That's right, they're going to go and play video games! So it's important for children to be encouraged, but not pushed too hard. Making fun things like watching TV or playing video games dependent on the child finishing music practice sends the wrong message about what music practice is. I still to this day loathe practicing, but I find that when I do it I actually really enjoy it.
Many parents enrol their children in music lessons so as to somehow live vicariously through their children. This is the "I didn't get to do this when I was a kid." syndrome. Just because a parent never had the option of learning music, either due to a conscious decision by parents or financial limitations doesn't mean that they should try fixing all of their parents mistakes in the parenting of their own children. Phrases like "You don't know how lucky you are." and "I never got to take lessons as a child!" are ones that unnecessarily make children feel guilty if they waste the opportunity. Guilt is the last thing that parents should use to encourage their children to excel in music studies.
Probably one of the most important parts of music study is the ability to practice privately. Just like most people don't like others looking over their shoulder when they're trying to do something difficult at work, musicians need a private place to play where they can practice, make mistakes, and just goof around if they feel like it. Some instruments permit easy private practice. For instance, my Yamaha Silent piano pictured above is an example of a great product. In its normal mode it is a fine upright piano that would look good in anyone's home. But switch it into silent mode and put on some headphones and it becomes an electric piano which plays through the headphones only. The hammers still move, so you get a good piano feel, but they are inhibited from striking the strings. Instruments like drums, guitars and brass instruments all have products available that can help make practice private.
Other instruments like violins, singing, and instruments that don't have a "plugged in" equivalent are harder to play quietly. In these cases a well-lit room slightly off the beaten path of a busy household is probably the best place for practice to occur. It's important that full-volume practice can happen without causing complaints from family members or neighbours. Feeling free to "let it out" is so vitally important in music. Holding back is one of the worst feelings, and makes expressing yourself through music feel like a crime.
Part of having private practice is making sure that even if sound does escape the practice room, that it remain private and confidential. Parents should refrain from commenting on things they hear leak out of the practice room, because it makes children realize that everything they try can be actively listened to. Parents should pretend that they didn't hear anything during private practice. Comments like "I heard you playing x and it sounded good." make children feel as though every practice is a performance. Children will play for parents when they feel like they have something sounding good enough, but it is important for both parents and children to realize that practice really is just that. The whole point of performing is to play something well for the entertainment of everyone involved. But the point of practicing is to learn and experiment and make mistakes. Perhaps parents can make time at the end of a practice session, or after every couple of sessions to listen to the child. Parents should be actively involved and ask for permission to listen and comment before offering opinions. This is the essence of empowerment and respect that is required in the relationship between a parent and a child. I would say that this is true of almost all parent/child relationships, but it is especially true when music study is involved.
Most parents think their children are above average. It is understandable that some children are more bright or gifted than others. But I believe that our modern fixation on these attributes has done nothing but detrimental things to young people. I attended a school for the arts from the day it opened when I was in grade 6, to the end of grade 8 when I went on to high school. Although the experience gained there was very valuable, and the experience was overall worthwhile, being in a special program took a toll on me in the form of an inflated ego and a feeling of disconnect from other people my age. This effect took years of conscious thought to undo.
Social development in children is a very delicate and highly debated subject, but one that has an intense impact on students studying music. In fact, I believe that the media and popular culture, especially talent shows, provide all the wrong messages to young people who aspire to be good musicians. And often parents do and say the wrong things as well which only adds to the bad examples. For instance, children need encouragement. They need to know when they are improving, and know when they do a good job in a performance. But they don't need to know that they are above average, or extraordinarily talented, or destined to become the next big star. Saying things like that only serves to reassure the child that they are already incredible and hampers further improvement. And setting a goal of being a big star only serves to raise the bar so incredibly high that the results are most surely unattainable for all but the "luckiest" people.
Comparing a child to anyone but him or herself is a mistake. Is it really that important that the child become a star anyway? Our modern society would have us believe that if we don't make the big time in the performing arts that we're a failure. But the real point of music isn't about selling a million records. It's about expression and enjoyment and self-satisfaction and the satisfaction of the listener. Being able to jam and have fun with friends some evening, or just sit by yourself and play the piano for your own enjoyment are things that are attainable by many people, and are the reasons why music study should be encouraged.
Each person is different, and each path to musical success is different. It is important for parents to not fixate on the long-term goal of having their children becoming stars. Instead, the goal should be the appreciation and enjoyment of music. Obviously the better that a child learns to play the more they can enjoy making music and the more confident they will feel using their voice or instrument, however this is a lifelong journey, and one that should be enjoyed every step of the way.
To conclude I want to assure you that learning music, despite all of the negative things that I have seen and experienced has been worth it. I wouldn't trade all those violin and voice lessons for anything. I made a conscious decision not to pursue a professional music career in singing, mostly because I had other interests (that of technology) that I wanted to explore instead. But my interest in music and the arts has given me a perspective and an appreciation of beauty and details and quality which serves to make me better at my career every single day. And having an emotional outlet through music is something so important that it cannot be described in words. I am music, and music is me. It is my deepest hope that future generations of children can have healthy and positive opportunities to learn and enjoy music just because it's great fun, and for no other reason.
